Band Humor

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Band Humor

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I've recently changed my original band page to just have info and announcements about our band on it, and I thought, "What kind of a webmaster would I be to leave out the BAND HUMOR???" So here it is :) Enjoy!
	Signs You've Been in Marching Band TOO LONG... 1. When you hear music and you start marking time. 2. When you walk behind someone and you're in step with them. 3. When you try to guess the tempo of your favorite song. 4. When all your friends are in the band. 5. When you don't mind changing clothes on the bus. 6. When you point out key changes and dynamics while listening to the radio. 7. When every guy/girl you're interested in is in the corp. 8. When you like wearing your uniform. 9. When people ask you about your social life and you say, "Oh, you mean my clarinet/trumpet/drum/etc.?" 10. When you consider your drill book a fashion accessory. 11. When you've had a "duct tape" experience 12. When you practice your instrument more than you talk to your dog. 13. When being mauled by a drum is a normal part of life. 14. When people worry when they see you without your instrument. 15. When "armed guard," means a girl with a pole instead of a guy with a gun. 16. When camp is FUN 17. When letters past G aren't important. 18. When someone says the word "box" and you automatically put your head up. 19. When you remember flats and sharps more easily than your name. 20. When you dress the lunch line, and urge others to do the same. 21. When you're alone and you suffocate because there's no one telling you to Breathe. 22. When slides feel normal. 23. When your instrument has a name. 24. When you remember your instrument's birthday and forget your mom's. 25. When making a line is your biggest accomplishment of the day. 26. When back marching no longer reminds you of ballet. 27. When you give your instrument a birthday party. 28. When you can make brown shoes look white. 29. When your uniform fits. 30. When white feathers become a fashion "do". 31. When you see your section more than you see your family. 32. When you think evening practices should last a half-hour longer. 33. When you think your plume is alive. 34. When numbers past 8 aren't important. 35. When you accidentally call your band director "Dad". 36. When you CAN sight-read. 37. When you can put on you uniform in less than 1 minute. 38. When you subconsciously start practicing with a pencil. 39. When you'd rather march than sleep. 40. When you roll-step through the cafeteria so you don't spill your lunch. 41. When marking time is your favorite form of exercise. 42. When you're more opinionated about the Madison Scouts/Phantom Regiment Rivalry than the latest Pres. Clinton scandal. 43. When you'd rather practice than read this list. 44. When someone starts to clap you automatically jump into attention. 45. When you get the jokes on this list.
A lil doll I made with our Flaming Meatball shirt! :)
	Everything I Need to Know, I Learned in MARCHING BAND: * Be afraid of the dark. Be very afraid. * It's perfectly okay to sit out of a run-through when you can't breathe and your lips and fingernails are turning blue. Nobody will yell at you. Honest. * Never apply shoe polish on a moving bus. * Tubas go crunch. * pushups are good for morale, as well as biceps. * Duct tape is the answer to all problems. * Supermarket cashiers treat musicians very kindly- unless there are two of them, 142 of you, and it's two o'clock in the morning. * Never sit near the bus bathroom on a long road trip. * Contrary to popular belief, it can be fun to march in forty degree weather during a hailstorm. * Anger the Uniform Elves and there will be hell to pay. * Always headbang during "Bohemian Rhapsody," even if it means bruises and headaches. * Who says accordions don't belong in marching band? * Remain in your seat during brake checks. * When your drum major waltzes onto the bus singing "I Feel Pretty" after a show, it's a good sign. * Don't even bother trying to figure out how much of your time you're spending in marching band, it will only depress you. * If you dislike your bus driver, hang your uniform bag over the window so he'll get pulled over by the cops. * Plume-napping is a serious offense. * Football is just the band's warm-up act. * Otherwise droll parents will magically become screaming fools when they see you take the field for competition. * An eight-to-five step in 4/4 time at one hundred twenty beats per minute will get you from the band room to the practice field in two minutes and thirty-two seconds. * That sparkly sash-thingy is called a baldric. * Not even rain will dissipate a basics block * A charter bus can be the site of such heated theological debate as not seen since the reformation. * The clarinet section secretly harbors a McGuyver. * Announcing that you're a Monty Python fan will make you friends faster than handing out money. * Cool people sing along with Disney movies. * Always make sure to put the mellophone valves back in the correct direction. * Crayons and coloring books can keep otherwise sophisticated people occupied for hours on end. * A love triangle involving your bus driver and two students makes for an interesting ride. * Never wear underwires when performing horn pops. * There is no decent place to hide an inhaler in your band uniform. * Making pancakes for 160 band nerds in the morning would seem like a good idea until you blow every circuit breaker in the school. * Froot Loops, cold bagels, and Sunny Delight eaten on hallway floors are the true "breakfast of champions." * Tuba players are extremely ticklish. * It's not a good idea to get IcyHot in your eyes. * A band decked out in khaki pants and hawaiian shirts will look like a bowl of migrating fruit. * Whoever invents a clarinet heater will become very rich. * It's perfectly okay to cry after the performance of your life. * LEFT, right, LEFT, right... * When you march backwards past a field judge while whipping off runs and his face is white and jaw hangs open, he likes what you're doing. * Cliffs Notes are a band geek's best friend. * Prayer may be outlawed in school, but chartered transportation is not under that jurisdiction. * When someone calls you a "band geek," take it as a compliment. * He who has actually done everything on the "You've Been in Band Too Long When..." list should be raised to the status of a minor deity. * Parade-rest stare-downs with rival bands are lots of fun. * Announcers tend to get bored when they have to announce your name more than half a dozen times. * Mouthpieces love the ground. * The district doesn't like the music program- unless they get good publicity. * During band camp, you can eat all the junk you want and still lose weight. * Uniform gloves aren't as warm as they should be. * Teachers think music is good for the mind- unless it requires you to miss class. * If you fast forward a video of a band show, it looks like a drunken field of ants. * Things must be going well when the director writes words to your music stating how you're going to kick the rear of any band that dares to compete against you. * Got valve oil? * The clarinet section will respond to the name "Satan." * Large water jugs are more precious than platinum. * Don't blow on your hands to warm them up during rehearsal; the condensation will freeze and leave your fingers even colder. * Chocolate is the food of the gods. * The guys who take ground pictures of the band really have no clue about music. * Super glue will stick your fingers together, which makes it very difficult to play. * Cork grease is not lip gloss! * You know you're doing all right when the instructor recognizes you only by your drill number.

	*THE updated* OFFICAL BAND DICTIONARY!! :)** 3/4 TIME: A way to keep the band continuously out of step. AIR: The driving force behind brass instruments, but generally lacks in woodwinds, therefore causing squeaks. Alto Saxophone: The toy of the instrument world- push the buttons and the sound comes out. Unfortunately, the people who play these cannot master even that simple task. Attention: Standing completely still, even if bees fly into your SHAKO or your contact lens rolls behind your eyeball. Band Camp: Two and a half weeks of marching on asphalt while the staff attempts to train the drumline. Band Member: One who willingly gives up their free time to spend endless hours marching on a football field with no apparent destination. Band Mommy: A member of the boosters extremely proficient in keeping track of minute details and making band members feel special; angels in band jackets. Band 'Ten Hut: Sharp verbal command given by those in charge, immediately responded to with a sharp HUT and stiff (correct) posture. Baritone: Instrument played by those who began on trumpet but could not achieve a big enough head. Basics: Warmup before competitions and rehearsal; marching back and forth in a 6-by-whatever block, paying attention to posture, heel position, phasing, and staying in step, among other things. BASS CLARINET: A concert instrument that, when used properly, is still not heard. BASSOON: An unusual hybrid between a bass clarinet and oboe which remains unused in marching. BELL-FRONT INSTRUMENT: Always brass, these are directional instruments designed to play extremely loud Bohemian Rhapsody: Song performed by the rock group Queen on their album "A Night at the Opera." World's best music for headbanging, while still retaining one's operatic dignity. Brass: A definite argument against the theory of evolution. BUS: 1. A good way to get to know someone (nudge, nudge, wink, wink, if you know what I mean), however the most painful way in the world to watch a movie. BYFBO: Trumpet acronym for "Blow Your (Freakish) Brains Out." CADENCE: A way of making the crowd forget the parade march the band just played that impresses people. Good time for band section visuals. Caffeine: The fuel that keeps sleep-deprived musicians functioning (relatively) normally. Cards: Small, rectangular pieces of plastic-coated paper which will keep band geeks entertained for hours on end. CIRCLE: A closed shape with definite corners and edges. Clarinet: An instrument used solely when the music calls for sound effects of cats in blenders. Coffee: A hot, brown liquid containing large amounts of caffeine of great value to tired band members. Colorguard: Wannabe musicians who are used as distractions to keep the audience from noticing band members who are off-step. Dance around the field, waving flags, sabres, and rifles. Competition: A day when every local high school band comes out and performs in hopes of beating WOODLAN. A chance for band mommies, parents, and interested administrators to come and see just why band members have no lives. CONCERT: Extremely dangerous form of torture for both students and audience. Fatal if used in duration exceeding one hour. CONCERTO: A musical piece that is written for the express reason of singling out one single player from the band to humiliate himself alone in a performance. Conducting: Waving one's arms wildly about in the air to make the audience think something is going on, while, in truth, the band already knows what they're doing and the drummers won't pay attention anyway. Conductor: One who takes the place of the colorguard during a concert, entertaining the audience with new and astounding dance moves. . Director: The person who claims to be in charge when everything is going well and claims denial when things go wrong. Dollar Bill: A piece of paper used to repair clarinet pads and purchase caffeinated beverages. Dr. Beat: A form of torture invented by alchemists in the late 16th century in the form of a horrendously loud electric metronome. Drill: Sheets of paper showing little black dots making pretty pictures. Good bonfire fodder. Drilldown: An advanced version of "Simon Says" where band members attempt to follow long sets of confusing orders of horn commands and marching. DrillMasters: Comfortable black, rolled-heel shoes worn in (and occasionally out of) uniform. Drum Corps: How over-devoted musicians spend their summer vacations when they're forced to go out into the "real world." Drum Major: The student singled out by the staff to conduct the band on the field. Drumline: A group of reality-impaired indivuals who go around constantly beating on things, allowing themselves to think that they are a highly-evolved group of musicians when indeed, neither of those terms apply. Duct Tape: Grey cloth of amazing strength backed with heavy-duty adhesive; an integral part of band philosophy and soution to every problem known to man. Dynamics: Volume of the music; inversely proportional to the number of clarinets on the field. Early: Impossible; see Staley's Formula of Arrival. Echo: Required sound after a "Band Dismissed;" usually accompanied by many blue faces. Flags: Large, floaty, shiny pieces of cloth on sticks waved by members of the colorguard. Good for "accidentally" thwacking annoying field judges. Flute: A silver pipe, immensely popular with beginning band students as it is the only instrument in which one can cross her legs while playing sitting down. Football Team: Those who would take over the band field. Football Game: The band's pre-show. Groupies: Those who are not in band yet wish they were cool enough to be. Often seen sitting in the hall by the band room or near the band section in the bleachers. Halt: Command in which everyone stops 2 beats afterwards. Hell: Getting up for school at 5:30 AM after a late night of rehearsal and cramming. Home: A place existing only in band members' imaginations as it is often described yet rarely seen. Horn-flash: A move in which the brass players deafen the judges in the box, rather than those on the field. An occupational hazard for woodwind players. Instructor:One who spends three months telling you everything you're doing wrong, then congratulates your excellence. Interval: The space between two band members, often changing in an amoebic fashion. Life: Supposedly it exists, but has yet to be discovered by band members. Letter Jacket: A symbol of athleticism and ego, normally utilized by "jocks," that has been transformed into a revered cult relic after emblazonment with patches and pins from various musical competitions. Marking Time: Marching without going anywhere. Mellophone: A french horn re-designed so that the sound, which intentionally goes backwards in concert band, may be redirected at the audience to inflict pain and suffering. Melody: Whatever is being played the loudest, usually the trumpets by default. Mountain Dew: A cold, green liquid containing great amounts of caffeine. The Nectar of Life. Mouthpiece: A critical component of any brass instrument which has a tendancy to sprout legs and wander off of it's own accord. Mud: One of Washington's main crops, grown in corners of the preactice field. Grows exponentially. Music: 1. Paper containing lots of lines and little dots which supposedly tell you what the show should sound like. A killjoy for those who enjoy improvisation. 2. That noise which can be heard eminating from the bandroom or rehearsal field at any odd hour of the day. Notes: The language of music, just as clarinetists speak English and drummers bang their heads against things. On Time: Impossible. Parade Rest: Standing at attention with one's hands clasped in front and legs apart. Parents: Adult figures seen only occasionally, usually at home. Pass-Through: A move in which two lines cross paths, often resulting in bruises for both parties involved. Pep Band: A group of musicians who get free admission to basketball and football games so they can play music during time-outs, blow bubbles, annoy the players... Piccolo: A small flute with a tone that only a banshee could love. Cannot be tuned, and is therefore relegated to the extremeties of the field. Used to torture indolent sophomores. Plume: A large,highly-flammable feathered rod vaguely resembling a taxidermified cat's tail. Rain: Drops of water which fall from the sky; nature's way of telling musicians to practice indoors. Will not stop rehearsal. Rehearsal Arc: A loose semi-circle in which the band stands for long periods of time while waiting for flutes to tune. Rehearsal: Three or six hours spent marching around the back field while under constant scrutiny by the staff. Retreat: The last part of a competition, in which bands stand at parade rest for indeterminite periods of time while waiting for the announcer to call one school's name a bunch of times so they can go home. Rifle: A gun made out of white wood tossed by the colorguard. Though bullet-less, can cause serious damage. Roll-Step: A method of walking in which one's head does not bounce. Good for preventing lunch-tray-spillage in a crowded cafeteria. Sabre: An artificial sword made out of plastic, used by colorguard members to show, via force, who's boss. Scale: A pattern of notes progressing in a logical order to, in theory, sound relatively pleasant. Section Leader: One who thinks they are in charge, though they have just as much trouble remembering music as anyone else. Shako: Headwear of choice, never to be set with the top on the ground. Decorated with plumes. Shoe: That which can be used as ammunition for target practice by the director. Sight-Reading: The first time playing a new piece of music. Usually sounds as if the composer had intended their music to be played during a train wreck. Slide: 1. Device used by trombone players to change notes. Excellent disguise for poking innocent woodwinds in the backs. 2. A marching maneuver in which the torso is parallel to the stands while the feet are pointed another direction. Saves band members from frequent chiropractic visits. Solo: A chance for a few special musicians to play the melody themselves, sitting out during rehearsal and laughing at the poor saps who have to march. Squeak: Clarinet section's tuning note of choice. Staff: Band alumni who cannot, no matter how hard they try, give up marching band and eventually try to eke out a living by being in charge. Tempo: Speed of the music; directly proportional to the amount of Mountain Dew consumed before rehearsal. Tenor Saxophone: A larger version of an alto sax, but sounds like a German cat in a large food processor. Theory: A two-hour annual lecture from the director, explaining why key signatures are relevant in the whole scheme of Life, the Universe, and Everything. Trombone: A brass instrument with a slide instead of valves, as even three buttons were completely baffling. Trumpet: A brass instrument which, strangely, has a tendency to swell the head of the player. At the moment, there is no scientific evidence to prove this, but it's under way... Tune: A time for the band to rest while waiting for the piccolos. Valves: Sort of like woodwind buttons, but greatly simplified for brass mentalities. Visuals: Futile attempts to turn the band into a colorguard. holastic Marching Band Conference; A California marching band circuit Woodwinds: Proof that God has a sense of humor. Band Nerd-ian Rhapsody Is there a real life- Or is it fantasy- Outside of basics, My escape from reality. Open your eyes, 'Tho we're in disguise, they see I'm just a band geek, I need no sympathy 'Cause I march in the sun, in the snow, Sick or tired, I still go. Even when the wind blows, Or if it's two hundred degrees, degrees. Mama, I'm in the cult Marched twelve miles eight-to-five, it's a wonder I'm alive Mama, band camp's just begun, I've tossed my hopes of sanity away Mama, ooh, so what if I'm a wreck You know that I'll be there again tomorrow, Marching on, marching on Because marching really matters. Too late, the drill has come Panic running through my mind 'Cause the back field isn't lined Goodbye, everybody, I've got to play Gotta rehearse William Fussel still today Mama, ooh, ('specially when the wind blows) I just wanna die- I sometimes wish I'd never signed up at all! I see a little sioletto of a block, Back left slide! Front right flank! Can you pull the maneuvers? Mark time to the ankle, Hope seniors don't mangle thee! People's Choice! GE visual! People's Choice! GE visual! GE visual? I don't know Still flags to sew... I'm just a pitster, nobody follows me He's just a pitster, pathetic as can be He doesn't march, his problem I can't see! Fingers are turning blue- what's a flute to do? Play trombone! No, we'll never play trombone! Play trombone! On your life, we'll never play trombone! Play trombone! On your life, we'll never play trombone! Play trombone! Never play trombone! Play trombone! Never, never, ever play trombone! No, no, no, no, no, no, no! John Phillip Sousa, Mr. Sousa, Mr. Sousa let me go The sousaphones have no intervals beside of me, of me, of me! So you think you can mock us and say that we're weird? Hey, that's just your opinion, we know that we're feared! Oh, baby, are we crazy, just maybe! When we watch films starring the Knights Who Say Ni! Marching really matters, anyone could see, Marching really matters, marching really matters to me Even when the wind blows...